julie:
another crack at love
I love him, I love him not….
Standing under the awning at the Laurier metro station,
fingers sticky with nervous perspiration,
I couldn’t help tearing at my metro stub.
I looked out at the steady stream of passers-by,
the shreds of paper floating to the floor
like little confetti petals.
That’s what happens when you show up some place
a good 15 minutes too early. You stand. And you wait.
And it feels like forever. Especially if the waiting serves as a prelude.
Especially if it gives you time to think about what you’re about to get
into in the next handful of minutes.
Autobus
Sidewalk
Arrêt
Stop
La Police
Licorice
…Smarties?
As I pace this concrete space,
my eyes can’t help but fix every sign
and piece of writing within five feet of me.
Obsessively.
To avoid thinking the obvious.
Will I be happy to see him again?
Does my ass look hot in these jeans?
Did I pack my toothbrush?
He loves me, he loves me not….
Dandelions.
We used to rub them under our chins when I was 10.
If it left a yellow mark, then he loved you.
If it didn’t…. *Pissenlit. Pisse dans l’lit….
Minute 10….
I’m friggin’ cold. Why can’t it be a sunny October?
Last week I didn’t even need a scarf. Now I wish I had mitts on. Crap.
Why can’t this leather jacket be warm?
Minute 11….
Lock.
Unlock.
Lock.
Unlock.
Can’t stop fidgeting with my Mp3 player….
Jack, Jack, Jack….
Dammit, Peñate….
There you are….
Minute 12….
What’s the big deal anyway? He’s just a guy.
If no sparks fly this time,
so be it. I can see it now, in my mind’s eye:
Him: Smile
Me: Smile
Us: Two-cheek kiss
Us: No lips
Me: (In my mind: No lips!?)
Us: Awkward pause
Him: “So, Julie, wanna grab a beer?”
Me: “Sure.”
(In my mind: What happened to going to dinner?
….What am I doing here?)
I told a friend of mine I was meeting him tonight.
And she’s not even a good friend.
So she doesn’t know our history, which makes it easier.
Talking to her, I can play the victim
and totally avoid being judged for my role in the breakup.
I can deal with that. In case things go wrong,
I’ve got her on speed dial.
And there’s a party on tonight,
so if things fall flat with him I’m good to go.
Minute 14….
But that won’t happen.
First, there’s the fact that he called me.
Second, we always have so much fun together.
Even if the last time it was only for six months.
And this year has been such a turning point.
I’m almost finished my design degree.
I got some cool freelance gigs — I’m designing swag for a band.
And I saw other people, so I got a fresh perspective
on what I want from a guy.
So I’m good, with or without him.
Minute 15….
Today’s tonight, tonight’s today….
Tonight just became this morning….
….The thought had just started dawning….
And that’s what this weekend might be….
A night that turns into day that turns into night
…that never ends….
Minute 16….
Then it happens….
Me: “Oh, hey!”
(In my mind: WTF? How did he just appear out of nowhere?
Man he smells good. Dammit.
And he looks good too. Double dammit.
I guess I’m not the only one who picked up her socks post-breakup….)
Him: “Hey Julie!”
Me: Smile. “Hey Marc!”
Us: Awkward pause.
Him: Puts his arm around my waist.
Pulls me close and gives me a hug.
Me: I move closer and hug him back.
Us: We kiss lightly on the lips.
(In my mind: Mmmm, on the lips….)
We start walking into the twilight, towards St. Laurent,
talking excitedly, trying to catch up.
Dammit I want him to wish he could be with me again.
Even though I’m lookin’ good, his confidence unnerves me.
When he reaches for my hand though,
his grip is hesitant but steady.
In my mind, I can’t help but smile,
because that’s when I know that behind his cool veneer
he’s still the heartbroken ex-boyfriend
all my friends told me stories about.
Tonight’s today, today’s tonight….
*Pissenlit = the French word for dandelion.
“Pisse dans le lit,” which
literally means “to pee in bed,”
is a pun on pissenlit/dandelion.
